My Story

For the first part of my childhood, I remember feeling scared and uncertain of what would come next, more times than a child should.  Having a father who didn't know the Lord as well as an alcohol addiction, forced me to learn a life of survival at a very young age.  I saw things, heard things, learned things and gone through things that I truly believe children should never have to.  I used to always down play the trauma I went through because there are certainly those who have gone through worse.  But I also learned that trauma is still trauma and it does shape us as we grow.  Where there is trauma - healing needs to take place.  

Even though I didn't know Jesus until I was about 11 years old - through all of it, there was a Joy that was never lost.  When I look back, I see the many ways the Lord protected my mom, my sister and me.  I remember the people He placed in our lives to help us.  I could see Him in the Bravery and Courage.  I see how He lead us to freedom.  

But just like any wound, if it's not healed properly, infection and more pain arises.  That's exactly what happened to me.  I grew up with so much anger, unforgiveness, hurt and believe it or not - a fear of men.  What happened really did shape me as much as I wish it didn't.  And oh boy did all of that manifest in so many different ways and in unpredictable times.  I am just so incredibly grateful for the people who unconditionally loved me through it all. I love you guys!!!

One thing I wish my trauma didn't shape, was my spiritual life.  I didn't know that my father wounds are what kept me from fully knowing and receiving the Love of my Heavenly Father.  I had a really hard time letting people (especially men) & yes, even God get too close.  I was also afraid that I would disappoint God or make him so angry.  As much as I loved God and as much as I knew he loved me no matter what, I still kept Him at an arms length.  

It wasn't until I was 28 when it all changed.  By the saving grace of God, His gentle healing, loving kindness and endless pursuit - I learned to forgive my father and heal.  And oh how sweet it's been.  The one thing that I didn't notice was how I still continued to live in survival mode.  Even after the letting go - I realized there was still residue.  Certain things would trigger certain reactions and there was still disfunction in my way of thinking.  I knew I had to go through counseling to have someone help me navigate through my thoughts and actions I had learned.

Through counseling, I discovered I had to learn how to feel again.  I discovered I had to learn how to trust again.  I discovered that I needed to learn to love myself!!  I'm learning that the more I know myself the more I can be confident in who God made me to be.  There is really so much power in knowing who you are.  Knowing our Identity in Christ is what absolutely grounds us and free's us but also knowing the sprinkles he adds (like our personalities, our quirks, our expressions, our talents, our tastes ;), our styles etc) is so important too.  He never makes us exactly the same.  He took the time to make us sooo different, special and unique that we should never feel we are less than.

I learned that keeping God at an arms length kept me from knowing the GREATEST LOVE.  And it kept me from receiving and stepping in all He has for me too!! I had this feeling I can't quite describe when I knew I was entering my 30's.  I just knew these years would be the best yet.  And they truly have been.  I feel like my extraordinary life is just beginning.  I can see how through the healing the Lord is creating a redemption story and restoring the childhood joys that were once stolen.  How even in my adult life - the child in me is getting to experience things for the first time.  And oh how wonderful it's been.

Walking in Healing has allowed me to Walk in the Fullness of His Joy.  If this is what freedom looks like - then I CHOOSE IT EVERY DAY!!!! And guess what, it only GETS BETTER!!!!